5/9/05

All I want is to be held in someones arms and forget everything. All that is bothering me, all that is wrong and will never be fixed.
All I want is to hear those songs that remind me of when it was just my dad and me. When I didn't care if I had no friends. When I didn't know what stress is. When I didn't worry about paying for college. WHen I was just my dads little hippie.

4/17/05

I lied to you twice, but I'm not sorry. I just can't tell you the truth. Its not the type of thing I can tell you the truth about. You probably already know I lied to you.

Double standards are for assholes. Think about that one the next time.

3/29/05

It seems spring brake has once again fucked things up.

3/28/05

Fuck the world and everyone's pitty fests.

3/2/05

Well I guess my question has been answered. The answer as i suspected is no.

He's done it again. He knocked me done in a matter of seconds. Why do I let him do this to me. He's almost as bad as my mom. She's the master of verbal abuse. One word and i'm gone groveling at her feet begging her to tell my what I can do to fix everything. It doesn't have to be my fault. I don't even have to be in the country and it still works. I thought I had finally gotten beyond it and figured out how to ignore it, but last night was proof that I haven't. I hope your happy asshole you made me cry. Not that thats new, but this time I couldn't even keep it in until I was by myself. It's your fault that I couldn't go home and get in bed and go to sleep like I wanted. I had to wait until you were asleep because you have asbergers which means you have no control over what you do. Bullshit. Its all just a lie. Its a disease made up so dumb fucks can use it as an excuse for when they feel like hurting people.  

2/25/05

If I died tommorow would anybody care let anone notice? During breaks which house will i go to? Will I still have a place to call home? Why do I worry about someone who could care less about me?  

2/16/05

Lost. Thats what I am now. I feel like i'm completely lost. I have no clue where i'm going or what i'm doing. Everything i've ever known has been washed away. Either by me and my stupidity or by other people.

I walk into my room at my dad's house and it doesn't feel like my room and I have no motivation to do anything about it. I want to make it mine so I don't feel like i'm living in a hotel, but I have no clue how. What makes a room yours? Why should I make it feel like it belongs to me? Debs just going to take over it and use it as her sewing room. Why my room? She has the whole house to use as her sew room. There's even an empty room that she's using now for her self. She told me that when she went off to college that her dad took her room and used it as his office and that it's going to be the same way in this household. Why? That's not the way my dad told me it was going to be. How can you feel good about yourself when you come into a family that barely functions as it is and turn everything further upside down. Since I was little and knew what college was it was always know that I would have my room at home until i got a place of my own besides the dorms. Then my parents got divorced, which didn't change anything about the room situation. I would still have a place to call home. Then deb came along and changed everything. I no longer know what to expect. Am I going to have a room at home that is mine after august or am I going to have to call my car home?

Everyday I sit around trying to figure out what i'm going to do until august. So far nothing has sounded like a good plan. Getting a job isn't working so good. I never have any luck. I get an interview but thats as far as it goes. Everyone keeps telling me to get a job or they will do this or that. It doesn't help. All it does is send me farther down the hole to defeat. Which is a place I don't want to go. I can't admit defeat, but soon I might. If I do that would be the end. Once you admit defeat there is no where to go. You're just done with.  

11/11/04

I wonder if I wore a sign on me that said will do anything for a guy if I could even get one guy. They probably would run away in terror as they do now.

11/1/04

I'm so tired that I can't sleep.

Sometimes I wish I could just disapear. It's not like anyone would miss me. Ethan and my mom would be in heaven if that happened. They wouldn't have to see me anymore or watch me flip out about the stupidest things.